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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
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| Saturday, July 7th, 2007 | | 11:41 am |
Bad Results from a Personality Test
I hope it was just a bad test! I did feel as though it was a little random while I was taking it, but Inonit's results were so accurate!
 |
Indiglo11 took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Wishes to find her stimulation in a voluptuous atm..."
Click here to read the rest of the results.
| Current Mood:  anxious | | Tuesday, August 15th, 2006 | | 10:45 am |
I'm actually a decent triathlete!
After 2 years of doing running races from 5ks to half marathons, this summer I attempted sprint triathlons. The first one was small and only 2 people finished after me. Rather demoralizing, but it WAS my first one and I had a lot to learn. The second one was better and the third (a bigger, more seriously timed and slightly longer race) was just great! I managed to finish 6th out of 20 in my age group and I"m posting those results here so that I can look at them whenever I run a 5k and am reminded that as a runner...I've improved but I just don't have the genetics, or the drive. As a triathlete, however, I might just have potential! FEMALE 25 - 29 DIVISION Place No. Name Town Sta Ag S Time Final Delay ===== ===== ======================= ================= === == = ======= ======= ======= 1 219 Katie Thompson 27 F 1:33:26 1:33:26 0:01 2 211 Stacey Floom 26 F 1:34:30 1:34:30 0:01 3 214 Shannon Andre 27 F 1:41:19 1:39:04 2:15 4 215 Jesica Smith 27 F 1:41:02 1:41:02 0:01 5 218 Carmen Fontana 27 F 1:43:42 1:43:42 0:01 6 213 Katie Alex 27 F 1:47:18 1:47:18 0:01 7 368 Tracy Klein 28 F 1:48:29 1:48:29 0:01 8 226 Molly Fuller 29 F 1:49:06 1:49:06 0:01 9 216 Bridget Murphy 27 F 1:56:16 1:56:16 0:01 10 224 Rachel Webb 29 F 2:00:58 2:00:58 0:01 11 220 Cathy Molnar 28 F 2:05:35 2:05:35 0:01 12 352 Shannon Votruba 25 F 2:07:06 2:07:06 0:01 13 229 Abbey Steel 29 F 2:08:01 2:08:01 0:01 14 217 Tamara Norris 27 F 2:12:02 2:12:02 0:01 15 203 Louisa Harbage 25 F 2:20:52 2:20:52 0:01 16 202 Sarah Janik 25 F 2:28:36 2:28:36 0:01 17 208 Amanda Vidak 26 F 2:34:54 2:34:54 0:01 18 200 Angela Dimarino 25 F 0:01 19 206 Kathy Owen 26 F 0:01 20 223 Jaimie McIntyre 29 F 0:01 Current Mood: ProudCurrent Music: I think it might be Seal | | Tuesday, May 30th, 2006 | | 11:46 am |
A Full House
For the first time in a long time I feel like writing... This past weekend, for the first time, the big house in which I live was full. All 3 guest bedrooms were occupied, crayola markers could be found in every room and either giggles or tears could be heard at all times. It was wonderful! My nieces (and their parents) were visiting and we had such a great time. I finally bonded with the youngest one Allie, such that last night at bedtime she said "I wanna sleep with Kay-eee!" and this morning when she woke up her first thought was "I wanna play hide and see with Kay-eee!" I will call that a success. I was feeling bad about not really *knowing* her, like I do the older one, Abby. I thought that even at 2 and 1/2 I had really known Abby and felt close to her. Now I think I've accomplished that, and Abby was remarkably not jealous of the attention that everyone gave to her sister. We did the zoo, the science center, the greek festival and some great family games and meals at home. Now, work seems lonely and quiet. I might just have to look at my pictures when I get home (in between the tidying that will, I'm sure, be needed). | | Thursday, July 28th, 2005 | | 12:38 pm |
| | Tuesday, April 12th, 2005 | | 12:08 pm |
Diet V8 Splash
Has anyone else been drinking Diet V8 Splash? I started drinking it in Phase 1 after I would go for a long run, and needed lots of fluids fast. It is artificially sweetened, so don't try it if you hate the taste of artificial sweeteners. It really tastes like juice though and there are 3 flavors I think, all of which are good. It has tons of vitamin C, etc...without the calories. I'm not sure that it's technically phase 1 friendly - for those of you who are being very strict. Anyone else know for sure? It is certainly ok for phase 2, right? Current Mood:  cheerfulCurrent Music: Perfectly - Sara Evans | | Sunday, March 7th, 2004 | | 11:46 am |
New Fabulous Quiz!
You're Watership Down!
by Richard Adams
Though many think of you as a bit young, even childish, you're
actually incredibly deep and complex. You show people the need to rethink their
assumptions, and confront them on everything from how they think to where they
build their houses. You might be one of the greatest people of all time. You'd
be recognized as such if you weren't always talking about talking rabbits.
Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.
I love it!!!! The site has another one that I"m going to take now too! Current Mood:  excitedCurrent Music: Counting Crows: Long December | | Wednesday, December 31st, 2003 | | 1:57 am |
OMG!!!! (Oh My Gender!!!)
I know I'm a lesbian but geez! I'm always writing about lovey-dovey stuff! Speaking of which I really need to do some real updates. I have much processing to do for my semi-existent love life. Perhaps typing my thoughts rapidly in a public forum will help. On second thought...maybe that's a terrible idea!!! | | Wednesday, December 10th, 2003 | | 1:34 pm |
"In a mood..."
I dunno what's wrong with me. The way that I've been for the past 8 months or so is beyond procrastinatious...it's down-right unmotivated. I'm supposed to be writing this paper that will present my hard-earned lab findings to the world. If this actually gets published I will be able to search Pub Med and come up with myself. That is v. v. exciting. Yet I am completely unmotivated to even begin to work on even the easiest of sections of this paper. Part of the problem is that I'm so very excited for this weekend...talk about over stimulation. An awesome concert...our first party in the new house, The Brit coming in approximately 23 hours...and MK coming from VA. I can't really focus on anything. I just want to sleep or watch TV until it all starts. Another part of the problem is that my laptop is in critical condition. I think she is in a coma. I need to take her to the doctor but I don't know anything about her warranty or how to look myself to see if maybe I don't even NEED to call the doctor...I'm just sort of postponing the problem. As long as my laptop is sick at least I have SOME sort of excuse for my pathetically slow progress-rate on this paper. Excuses aside, it all comes down to me really not caring about this. Even this paper with my name on it publically available to the best and the brightest scientists...and I don't care that much about it's quality...I just want to get it done. That doesn't sound like ME to me...and that's what I find most disturbing. Am I just changing - becoming less motivated or ambitious - changing my focus to other aspects of life? Or is there something else out there...some other "life's work" that could bring back the ambition and make me ME again? Hard to say. Until I give up on lab I'll never know...and I"m not sure I have the guts to do that...miserable or not. :( Current Mood:  disappointedCurrent Music: None. The lab is way too damn quiet. | | Friday, December 5th, 2003 | | 1:55 pm |
Finally Feeling Christmas-y....
Had an interesting Christmas tree shopping experience last night...My radio station has been advertising "free" Christmas trees every day at differnet places around Cleveland if you bring at least $1.04 to donate to Ronald McDonald house and are one of the first 104 people. Sounds great! The past two years Cara and I have paid around $60 for a quality tree and still not been able to get the kind I *really* want. See, I'm a little bit particular and sentimental. When I was a kid we always got the same kind of tree (probably the cheapest)- and my first time buying a Christmas tree on my own (my first year of college in VA) I was surprised to find that they did not have ANY of these trees...they are prickly as hell and shed needles like crazy...but they smell up the whole house. Through 6 years of giving this description and being dissapointed I have learned that it is a Spruce that I want. So last night Cara and Christopher and I go to this crazy radio thing...and we are the 94th tree request there...(good news). We decide to give a 20$ donation thinking we are still saving 40$. Then we get the voucher - and it's for a free tree in the $14.95 tree section, or $14.95 off of another tree. So I'm picky and want a big, quality tree...so we got a really nice 30$ tree (that would have cost 50$+ in Cleveland Heights) and got our 15$ off of it. The good thing is that it ended up costing 35$ instead of 50$+ that it would have cost in Cleveland Heights AND it is a Spruce which they don't have here (at least where I"ve looked the past 2 years). The bad news is that I paid 20$ in order to save $15. I felt a bit violated...but it's for charity, right? Then I went home and made fabulous curtains. The house is a HUGE mess but it's getting a bit more home-y which is really the goal. Now I'm in total Christmas mode - we are going to decorate the tree and the house tonight and then unfortunately we need to clean the house for our visitors tomorrow. Half fun, half work. It's snowing which is fabulous and helps a lot with the Christmas spirit. :) And it's Friday and while I do certainly have work to do...I'm pleased that I don't have to come into lab for two days and next week my advisor will be gone! YESssssss!!! And The Brit comes in 6 days and we had a great conversation yesterday on IM. I'm just thrilled to spend time with her...don't want to be getting my hopes up and I'm trying hard not to but when we have conversations like that I just can't help it. Still though...every single comment could be interpreted as a Good-Friend-Only comment so I could be severly dissapointed....Either way I'm sure that we will have an amazing time together...and that's what is most important! Current Mood: chipperCurrent Music: Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree (The Radio's Choice) | | Thursday, December 4th, 2003 | | 12:03 pm |
Long Overdue Update
From my journal one might think that I've had an uneventful several days but that is just not the case. In fact in some ways the plethora of events is the reason for my lack of writing - it just gets overwhelming...where to start? Thanksgiving break was definitely not your average. Things worth noting.... 1. Thanksgiving day was saturday for my family because on Thursday everyone was at the hospital visiting Lisa. It's great that her spirits are up and that she seems *normal* in terms of her personality. I think it would have been a lot harder if she was in pain, or worried, or depressed...So the actual meal was on saturday...not because anyone was in the mood, just because the turkey was maximally thawed and in danger of being wasted and nothing is an excuse to frivilously throw away money that way in my family. So my divorced parents and me and my 6 year old neice had dinner together at the dining room table where they ate as a married couple for 24 years. V. V. Bizzaro. It went alright. Food was good. Abby was a much needed buffer. 2. The curtain project...part of the larger "Home Improvement Kick". Designed to be a mother-daughter project because I needed help (One week ago I had no idea how to sew - I've come a long way baby!) AND because I thought it would mean a lot to my mom. Status for the past 10ish years: Spending more than an hour in a room with my mother makes me want to bathe. No...she isn't dirty...it's hard to explain it just makes me so incredibly annoyed that I feel dirty. Very weird. I need to "recover" from this time with her. Small doses. It got better when I went to grad school..I think because I matured some and she got a bit better maybe - or there was more temporal distance from the unpleasant "mom" events of my early teen years. Anyway...the point is...I thought I'd make a sacrifice and willingly subject myself to this torture both to make her feel good and to get good curtains out of it. The important thing is that things were different. It is hard to describe what was different exactly...it seemed as though she transformed somewhat into the mom of my childhood who I honestly can hardly remember. The mom who wasn't annoying to spend time with..who didn't put a negative spin on EVERYthing. (ie. If I made her cookies she would think about her recent weight gain, her guilt of not making ME cookies and how much she's changed for the worse since her cookie making days and NO positive thoughts). The mom who had INITIATIVE (something that I am increasingly realizing I value tremendously since I have noticed that I use it to describe people often) and motivation to do small and large things. It was a great experience. I'm attributing the change to the fact that this past spring she titrated off of her meds for the first time in 12 years. But I'm just a neuroscientist, what do I know about interactions between meds and personality? :) The curtains that we made were half successful. I made some measurement and color-match issues that were very devastating - but some will be done by the arrival of The Visitors...so that's something at least!!! 3. Playing mom. I was in charge of Abby for about 3 days. It was fun but tiring. Makes me slightly less anxious to start popping out babies. (sorry JR you'll have to hold onto your sperm for a bit) Most noticable was the lack of private time and me time. Makes it hard to get things done. 4. The 17 year old. I think that's what I called her when I described the February hook up. I think I"ll save her story for another post. It's quite complex and I don't know how much of it I want to process myself - and how willing I am to comments on other people's opinions of whether I'm a slut, a normal human being, only 35% single for no good reason, appropriately hedonistic, a terrible friend, a traitor...etc...Now I'm sure you aren't curious at ALL what happened! :) I think that's it for break. It was really.....something... Now I'm focusing on my first published work (research paper) hopefully to be submitted December 19th..and on improving the house for our upcoming visitors: The Ludden Brothers this weekend, The Brit ONE WEEK FROM TODAY, and The Third Muskateer from UVa next weekend. V. V. Exciting. I'm slightly disappointed in my out-of-character lack of focus on Christmas. I have the *desire* to get a tree, decorate the house, go shopping and bake cookies: all things I adore at this time of year...but I really have a lack of focus. Perhaps my focus is...um..focused elsewhere. I need to give my mind a rest one of these days. What can I do that'd be mindless? I think I just have had a serious lack of alcohol...I can't remember the last time I was too drunk to drive...maybe election day? That's very very out of character. No wonder I'm so high strung!!! Beer Pong here I come! Current Mood: Caught-up (mostly)Current Music: the bbc (British Radio!) | | Tuesday, December 2nd, 2003 | | 2:44 pm |
Holy Procrastination...
I have so many very real and somewhat important things to write about. However...they are overwhelming to think about if only because there are so many of them. Therefore, my procrastination turned toward LJ surfing which allowed me to stumble on this quiz...and we all know I love a good quiz. This one was fairly quick and somewhat interesting. I hope it facilitates someone else's procrastinating as it has for me... The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Sixth Level of Hell - The City of Dis!Here is how you matched up against all the levels: Take the Dante's Divine Comedy Inferno Test | | Tuesday, November 25th, 2003 | | 1:45 pm |
Another one from the same site
This one is nuts! I wish they'd synthesize all of the categories into a more unique description of me.  | Advanced Big Five Personality Test Results | | Sociability | |||||||||||||||||||| | 82% | | Gregariousness | |||||||||||||||||||| | 82% | | Assertiveness | |||||||||||||||||| | 74% | | Activity Level | |||||||||||||| | 54% | | Excitement-Seeking | |||||||||||| | 50% | | Cheerfulness | |||||||||||||||| | 62% | | Extroversion | |||||||||||||||| | 67% | | Trust | |||||||||||||| | 54% | | Morality | |||||||||||| | 42% | | Altruism | |||||||||||||||||| | 74% | | Cooperation | |||||||||||||| | 54% | | Modesty | |||||| | 30% | | Sympathy | |||||||||||||||| | 66% | | Friendliness | |||||||||||||| | 53% | | Self-Efficacy | |||||||||||||||||| | 78% | | Neatness | |||||||||| | 38% | | Dutifulness | |||||||||||||| | 58% | | Achievement | |||||||||||||||||| | 74% | | Self-Discipline | |||||| | 30% | | Cautiousness | |||||||||||||| | 54% | | Orderliness | |||||||||||||| | 55% | | Anxiety | |||||||||||||||||| | 78% | | Anger | |||||||||| | 38% | | Depression | |||||||||||||||| | 62% | | Self-Consciousness | |||||||||||| | 46% | | Immoderation | |||||||||||||||| | 70% | | Vulnerability | |||||||||| | 38% | | Emotional Stability | |||||||||||| | 45% | | Imagination | |||||||||||||||||| | 74% | | Artistic Interests | |||||||||||||| | 58% | | Emotionality | |||||||||||||||||| | 78% | | Adventurousness | |||||||||||||||| | 62% | | Intellect | |||||||||||||||||| | 78% | | Liberalism | |||||||||||||||| | 66% | | Openmindedness | |||||||||||||||| | 69% | Take Free Advanced Big 5 Personality Test Current Mood: Procrastinatious | | 1:22 pm |
Tests Tests Tests!
I took a new personality test. I'm bored at lab. I'm not sure what this test is telling me. There seem to be more on this site too. I'll get to them next. http://similarminds.com/personalitytests.html Advanced Enneagram Test Results | Type 1 | Perfectionism | |||||||||||| | 45% | | Type 2 | Helpfulness | |||||||||||||||| | 70% | | Type 3 | Ambition | |||||||||||||||||| | 80% | | Type 4 | Sensitivity | |||||||||||||| | 54% | | Type 5 | Detachment | |||||| | 25% | | Type 6 | Anxiety | |||||||||||||| | 51% | | Type 7 | Adventurousness | |||||||||||| | 45% | | Type 8 | Hostility | |||||||||||| | 47% | | Type 9 | Calmness | |||||||||||| | 42% | Your Conscious-Surface type is 3w2 Your Unconscious-Overall type is 2w3 | Take Free Advanced Enneagram Personality Test | | Monday, November 24th, 2003 | | 12:26 pm |
Inspired to Blog again....2003 Recap
I have a new live journal friend! Thank you to Inonit for bringing me back to my long-ago-forgotten Lester Jane. It's amazing how much has changed in my life since January of this year. I think writing in here regularly will help me keep track of how many love interests and lust interests I have per year for one thing. I'll try to summarize this past year so that me and LJ are on the same page to start my regular entries. In January I pined over Liz given that she said she was still in love with me...In February I got back together with her in a massively drunken state and she chickened out the next day and basically told me (in more and different words) that she used me for my physical abilities. I was devastated but (and this is key) also angry with her for the first time and that was the fuel for the "get over Liz you loser" fire! Then I hooked up with "the 17-year old" an old camper of mine who I have always connected well with. It's def. one of those "if she was 5 years older" kinds of things. She's totally hot but it turned out to be a mistake because she professed her love for me and has been really annoying about bugging me and being "friends" ever since. Gosh I sound insensitive and....male. March...hmmm...I don't think ANYTHING happened in March. In April I got this phone call from Heights Families for Equality...this group that had been annoying me the previous summer with phone calls to come and go door to door for something...AS IF! Imagine ME going door to door. I decided to go based on the promise of free pizza and adequate training and the potential of meeting the future love of my life and some gay friends. Being newly single I needed a "circle" with which to attend gay and gay-friendly events or else I'm going to be single forever!!! Canvassing was amazing. Cleveland Heights is no upstate NY that's for sure. Even little old ladies signed my petition!! They said the next time that I could come back to do it again was in two weeks. That seemed like too long but what could I do? I came back and was paired with an "inexperienced canvasser." As if I was SOOOO experienced myself! Shit this is supposed to be a short summary. April I started with HFE. May...Election day! THat's when I became a leader of the campaign. All I remember about May is petitioning I think. Did I do anything else? June...more petitioning...the arrival of Christopher our campaign staff person...I ride in the Cleveland Pride parade in an obnoxious vehicle and then represent HFE at the rally...the end of the petition drive and subsequent drinking. July...Moving out of my apt into a house...my best friend from UVA moves to Cleveland...I hook up at my birthday party with a smart-and-somewhat-intriguing lesbian. She brings me flowers. I obsess about not knowing how to "casually date". August...I go to England for two weeks...am inspired at the conference that my research really IS good! I go to visit an old friend (named "The Brit" for security purposes) and was inspired that the smart-and-somewhat-intriguing lesbian is not nearly amazing enough given that I connect amazingly (and platonicly) with The Brit. I come back to my new house, attempt to move in some more...and become "field director" for HFE. I enter into a conspiracy against Christopher and then put an end to it by sharing my thoughts and concerns with him over Coffee. This is the beginning of a friendship. Thank god. It would have been horrible continuing on the way we were and I would have missed out on actually being his friend and not just his coworker and housemate. September..."Field" is in full swing. The Brit and I communicate everyday. I want to date her. I don't tell her this because she is not yet over her ex-girlfriend. In addition she may not be interested in me at all. I do however tell everyone else in the world. Perhaps a big mistake (See December) October...More Field. the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force arrives to help with the last 10 days of hte campaign. The Brit is now at least 50% of my emotional support. Probably close to 80%. She is doing this from England. We still have not talked aobut dating in fact she talks about her ex more and more. November...The Brit sends me flowers for good luck the day before the election. We win and pass the first domestic partner registry in Ohio and the first in the country to be passed by ballot initiative. I get drunk and make out with The Needy Butch Organizer from the NGLTF who says she has had a crush on my for 10 days. Flattering. I don't know how to tell The Brit. I don't know why I'm worried about telling The Brit. I tell The Brit. I go to New Orleans for another conference. This time I am far less inspired and my trip is extrememly boring. I am annoyed to death by my coworker and friend dubbed The Maternal One. I come back and am thrown into home improvements (since our house has looked like shit since we moved in and it often seems as though only I care about this fact) and work in the lab...currently attempting to publish my research in a journal. Lastly, my sister gives birth to Allie, my second niece who I will see in 3 days! December should be awesome...I get to buy a Christmas tree, A group of friends from UVA is coming up and they are TONS of fun (and responsible for Cara's willingness to begin to drink beer!!!), The Brit is coming to visit (slightly concerned about how everyone hears me talk about her as a love-interest but when we talk to each other we are just great friends), We are having our first beer pong party in the new house, I get to buy presents for people I care about...I will hopefully publish a paper, and then go home for a real break at home for Christmas. Ok. So that wasn't so short. I'd certainly like to post more about the campaign, about The Brit, about JR living here in Cleveland, about my future and lab and all that jazz. These are the big things in my life and they each got only a few sentences. At least now they are out there in some form to expand when they are on my mind. For now I'd better actually do some good thinking and organizing so that I can write the introduction to my first-ever publication. Shitters!!! Current Mood:  nostalgicCurrent Music: "Back to LA" by Beth Heart (sp?) One of many new obsessions. | | Saturday, January 11th, 2003 | | 1:46 pm |
So being newly single I am turning into some kind of wanna-be-party-animal. All that has come of this so far was one Friday night where instead of my usual pathetic TV-watching and wishing I had something better to do....I actually went out with school friends. It was actually a really fun night...I think I enjoy my single-grad school friends more now that I am one of them. I did, however, have an encounter with this boy who is dating a good friend of mine. I hadn't really spent any time with until yesterday when he played pool with three of us. I tried to facilitate fair-team-forming by asking him about his pool skills. He gave me some story about how bad he is...playing 15 games of pool in one night and not winning any of them...blah blah blah, so I put him with my friend Christi, the best of the three of us. I"m sure that you can see where this is going...on his first shot, the bastard put in like three balls and proceeded to tell us that he used to work in a pool hall, but really he isn't good...whatever. Then "The Hustler" (sp?) proceeds to try to mess up my shots by hitting my stick while I'm attempting to get in one ball when we are down by like 5 or something....Why....WHY!!!???? I hate men. Ok. that's not fair, some of my favorite friends are men. The Hustler just had several qualities that I hate. Qualities that I think are more common in men than in women. *sigh* I hope I'm not being too stereotypical. All in all it was good fun and good bonding with the grad school "friends." Now onto my weekend of lounging.... | | Thursday, January 9th, 2003 | | 11:27 am |
Did you miss me Lester-Jane?
Wow. Talk about long-time-no-see...if I were an innocent bystander I would guess that my motivation for coming back to LJ is New Years Resolution-related but in fact it is not. I wish I could say it was random...but *sigh*...it's more than that. I think that what is luring me back to writing to LJ is some combination of the turbulant sea of thoughts that is the current status of my brain, and the overwhelming feelings of lonliness and boredom that comes from being newly single. Yup. You read that correctly, I broke things off with Lori. I've needed to do it for a long time I think. I just realized one day that I was lying to myself every time that I contemplated our relationship and decided that it wasn't the time to end things because they could get better. I blamed our problems and my lack of interest on the distance, and a thousand other little things and in hindsight I know that I carried it out for way too long. Sometimes I think that it wasn't the right thing to do to get together with her in the first place. Being with Liz was an amazing experience and she ended it for "circumstantial" reasons. Meaning, there was no falling out of love, no getting on each others nerves, no incompatibility issues. So how do you be friends with someone after that? How do you "get over" that relationship and move on? Well, if you are me...you go to a lesbian mecca of a girl scout camp. You get there and have lingering feelings for your ex...but are surrounded by beautiful people (and you are rather newly "out") and you want somebody new. You tell yourself that the way to get over Liz is to open yourself up to the idea of being with somebody new, because obviously Liz is over you...and there is no hope and no point in thinking about dead end roads. It was too much too fast...for some reason I am incapable of doing the "hooking up" thing or the "casual dating" thing. WHen I kiss someone it's almost always because I want to BE with them....and I get locked into things so fast and it's great at the start because you have instant relationship and the lonliness evaporates...but a year and a half later...it's back and oh so complicated by feelings for Liz rearing their ugly heads. Feelings that were there all along. Feelings that I pushed aside because I thought that I had to...because as long as I still felt "rejected" and knew that Liz did NOT want to be with me ever again, I could be her friend and I could push those feelings away. So now what? I was telling Lori last night that being in a relationship gives me a meaning and a purpose to my life...it shouldn't be that way, I know..and it hasn't always been....I should be able to dive into my lab work and get some meaning from that...I'm trying. we'll see how that goes. I could try and improve my social life..but I'm just not too sure i'm prepared to do that. I've sort of kept my grad school friends at arm's length both because I"m not too fascinated by them, and because I didn't have time to do it all while I was with Lori. Now I have the time, but still not the desire. Damn. This is going to be really long...I'd better quit or I'll have nothing to say tomorrow! My life is not very eventful. Later LJ. | | Thursday, March 28th, 2002 | | 10:03 am |
Well Lester-Jane, I just don't know about this whole grad school thing. My next 5 years seem to be slightly decided for me. It seems that the 2 PIs that I was deciding between, got together and decided for me! I wonder how they did it...maybe they arm wrestled...hmmm...scary thought. So I get an email saying that I'm going to start with Betsy at the VA hospital and that I should call her this afternoon. Meanwhile...I'm supposed to be doing an experiment but I fucked up. So i could conceivably still do this experiment but I wouldn't be able to start it until noon. That's no way to live! So I think that (again) i won't do an experiment. I do feel incredibly guilty about the fact that I haven't done experiments in FOREVER but I don't really know why. I mean...by me not doing an experiment it saves a little rat for someone else to use. right? And basically since I've decided a lab now...I can get the ball rolling and get the heck over there ASAP. i just have to write up a rotation report over here and get my money figured out. I'm sorry LJ, I know you don't want to know half of this stuff but I guess I just feel like writing about it. Clearing my head you could say. On another note the conversation with Liz went very well. Not only was it good to catch up with her, I also managed to be reminded of the reasons why I DO NOT want to be with her, which is always reassuring. : ) At least it's nice outside. That's the one thing that I can jump up and down about. Current Mood:  guiltyCurrent Music: Beatles - Norwegian Wood | | Wednesday, March 27th, 2002 | | 1:26 pm |
Here I sit again at work. I was a good girl today and went to my department seminar. Funny how I have the ability to sit through an hour of lecture on a topic and come out with less that 10 words to say about it. I honestly might as well have stayed here. Other than that I was visible to others and they may not know that I retained nothing. So it was a *good* thing to do. I am highly impressed with possible PI (principle investigator, means advisor for my PhD reserach) Betsy. I met with her for 3 hours yesterday and she is just great. She also never goes to the seminars that she is supposed to go to. I am impressed because she went today. She is worried that the department will not pay for my tuition because she is so uninvolved in the department and they will think that I will be equally absent. But we both did our parts today! Yeah! Maybe they'll give me money!!! I couldn't help but sit around the room and wonder how many other people were not paying attention. It is so hard to tell given that at this stage in our education we have all become quite skilled at the "look pensive and nod occasionally" behavior. So where was my mind, you may ask? Mostly on Liz. (mobes this is "my alexa" that we spoke of this summer) Liz is the most recent ex girlfriend but in honesty her role in my life is bigger than that. I have known her for 10 years and I dated her for only months, and in that months saw her times. (Long Distance sucks) While I did learn a lot about myself and relationships in general from being with her....I can hardly remember now what it was like to be with her. When i think of her I just think about how I care so much about her...I always have...it's always been one of those friendships that no one else understood except the two of us. And one of those that was intense when we were in touch, although those times were often few and far between. I wouldn't talk to her or think about her for months and then when I did....when I got a phone call or visited her....she would consume my thoughts for hours. I dunno what that means. Not much I'd guess. We were never meant to be "together" but I do wish that we could be in better touch. Sometimes I think that's what I loved so much about being with her..I loved that I could have that intensity all the time...being with her was an excuse to talk to stay in touch better. Yes..it was more than that and this is an oversimplification that often occurs in hindsight, but a valid point nonethelesss. I LOVE that word...nonetheless. I think we should do that with more words. like allthesame or withrespectto. hmmmmm SO the point is...today was one of those days that she consumes my thoughts because she IMed me right before this damn seminar. She is NEVER online and for this reason we haven't spoken since....christmas I think. She told me a bit of her life and asked about mine. It's so hard with people like that because I want her to know eveyrthing so that she can fully understand what's goign on with me but as of now she knows very little. Overwhelming to tell your life story in 5 minutes on IM. So I'm calling her tonight. But then I have to think about where to even start...There are just some people in your life that you want to keep updated. She is one of them. I do hope that there isn't any leftover-weirdness. I hate that. I talk like I'm *sooo* experienced with Ex's. Not so much. I kind of like it that way thankyouerymuch. (there's another one)! YEESSSSSssssss! Alright...I think a good little grad student would read an article now...OH sidenote. I"m starting a fitness thing....based on the facts that I have too much free time and I feel lazy and a few days I had to walk up 7 flights of stairs and I thought I was going to die. SO I'm going to the gym today. I'm sure that will provide material for LJ. I think I"m going to name my LJ. I now pronounce that LJ stands for.....LesterJane.....My LJ is genderless and asexual. :) | | Monday, March 25th, 2002 | | 12:24 pm |
It's so hard to motivate myself to come to "work" when I don't really have anything to do or any specific time that I need to be here. Take today for example...I have an important meeting at 1 pm so I really can't do an experiment today. BUT I'm being PAID to do research....no one notices 9 times out of 10 if I'm not here but there is that 10% when I feel like everyone will think I"m a big slacker (which I am technically). But why am I a slacker just because I stay home and play with my friends and the other kids go to work and sit around and watch movies on their computers? I guess because if the boss walks in then they can minimize their movies and I can NOT magically appear.*sigh*. What a rough life. So while at work today so far I have edited my live journal options, IMed with Lori, and downloaded my tax forms...(federal, vermont, virginia AND ohio) Sucks. I am NOT looking forward to doing all that...Geezum it looks like a blizzard outside....interesting thought...as a child I seem to remember winter starting earlier...could it be possible that some combination of pollution and cosmic forces is causing winter to be later every year? It seems like the peak winter period is shifting from Dec-Jan-Feb to Jan-Feb-March...hmmmm....v.v.interesting. Clearly I need to get this PhD project figured out so I can devote these periods of intellectual thought to my research. How unintersting my LJ enteries will be then... On a side-note...I'm really having difficulty dealing with Lori's departure...I'm constantly feeling sort of like the world is Tofu and Lori is the Teriyaki sauce that made the tofu yummy. So now I just have to force down the tofu on faith that one day it will taste good again. While this seems pretty dismal and not such a great way to go through life there are two good things about it. 1. I think it's a great sign for *us* that I wish she was here so much....and 2. I think this feeling will fade and I'll find some sort of something to spice up my tofu until I can have my teriyaki back. At least I *hope* I will!!! | | Friday, March 22nd, 2002 | | 11:03 am |
So...about this live journal thing....It's proving to be more difficult than I had imagined. I was a huge journal keeper in high school and in fact I still have those journals...thousands of pages that i can't wait to read again...I flip through them occasionally but I think the real enjoyment will come from the cover-to-cover read in a few years. Anyway...the trouble I'm having is that journal writing is therapeutic for me...helping me to unscramble thoughts and emotions on particulary sensitive subjects. However, I feel as though this particular journal is too public for those out-pourings of the heart and mind. BUT NEVER FEAR....because I have a plethora of random, philisophical thoughts and general goings-on to share with my live-journal friends to keep you entertained. My current status is..worried. My spring break visitors have all left and while I'm fairly confident that two of them are home safe and sound..the others remain as worry-substrates. Lets start with Lori...the poor thing is still on a bus. Not only that but because of the ticket fiasco...she had just started calming down from crying when she got ON the bus 13 hours ago...I don't know when i'll see her again and I hate that...in fact I find that the missing her factor is much more manageable when i *know* exactly what day i will see her next. so sad, so sad. :( Then there is Trish...she left this morning after dropping me off at lab (thank goodness because there are a few inches of snow and it is coldie outside) I told her that if I were her I wouldn't leave when she did. I felt as though I needed to say that...maybe my reasoning was that if she was in an accident I wanted to be able to tell myself that I tried to stop her...purely selfish motivation. She went anyway. The weather channel warns against traveling in fact there is a Lake Effect Weather Warning or soemthing to that effect. My last trip in that direction was extrememly dangerous and scary and just...stressful. So I'm hoping that hers will put mine to shame. Currently my watch is beeping...why, you ask? Because a certain special someone set it to go off every day at 11:10 AM so that I'd have one minute to prepare for 11:11 when I could make a wish. I guess she was pretty sure that my wishes would work to her advantage as well as mine...hmmmm...:) 11:11!!!!!! Last but not least...bad bad Leah Brown....I think it is just grrreat that she is having her heart surgery done here in Cleveland. Our lives have become quite separated since we stopped working at camp and she did the college thing but I do enjoy her and I am so glad that i can be here for her. I feel lucky. if she were anywhere else I may not even know about it and it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside to know that I can help make her terrifying experience maybe a little better. So now I'm done. I think that's all really. I'm at work. There are things that I could do...but right now I think I"m just recovering from the week of visitors (and a week of traveling before that). I think it was great how everyone's exits were staggered. Made it more bearable. And now that they are all gone...I am anxious to hang out with my roomie again. I feel like I haven't seen her in forever and it'll be good to catch up. PLUS we have more cleaning to do than ever before...:) I think I'm off to www.emode.com to take some personality tests...if anyone knows other good sites for my favorite procrastination topic let me know! |
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